Why It Happens and Why It Hurts
Blogpost written by Alex Essel and Andrej Ditler
Highlights:
- Anonymity on mobile dating apps has turned ghosting into a familiar phenomenon, making it effortless for people to disappear without explanation.
- Even though ghosting is common, ghostees often experience significant emotional pain which can sometimes even have long term effects.
- More frequent mobile dating app users surprisingly tend to ghost less often, showing that experience encourages empathy.
Some of you might have experienced it, the burning sensation in your chest. Simultaneously, question after question streams through your head: “Why? Did I do something wrong? Did I write something inappropriate? Maybe s/he is just having a long day and will text back tomorrow?”.
Slowly but surely, the denial of what has happened phases out, and the realization sets in: It seems like you have been ghosted. But why, though? Everything seemed fine–right?
You saw that one person on Tinder, beautiful, the pictures exude charisma, and s/he is a dog person just like you! Everything seems to be spot on; you swipe right. You get a match. Both of you exchange some text messages for the next few days and you get to know each other a bit. Every time you text the person, you have a smile on your face. And then it happens; the person is not replying anymore…
This or similar experiences are not a rare occurrence. Since the dawn of mobile dating apps, it seems that ghosting has become an integral part of it. But how is it that behavior, which would be considered highly inappropriate in a face-to-face setting, has become a normal thing to do on mobile dating apps?
This leaves us with a big question: How do we even begin to understand something as personal and painful as ghosting? That’s exactly what a group of researchers set out to uncover, diving deep into the world of mobile dating to figure out what drives people to ghost and what happens to those left behind.
How do you study ghosting? Here’s what the researchers did!
You might wonder: how can something as emotional and personal as ghosting be studied scientifically? It’s not like people leave behind a trail of evidence when they ghost someone. So, how did the researchers decode this mystery?
They started by reaching out to 328 active dating app users, all of whom had firsthand experience with ghosting—either as ghosters or ghostees. Through a mix of questions, from simple multiple-choice to open-ended “spill your heart out” types, the researchers collected real stories about ghosting—why people do it, how it feels to be ghosted, and how they cope.
The researchers didn’t just collect data—they uncovered emotions, motivations, and coping strategies. Some participants talked about why they ghosted, others about how it felt to be ghosted, and many shared the ripple effects it had on their confidence and mental health.
But it didn’t stop there. The real value behind these stories lies in the patterns researchers can detect and turn into insights. This mix of personal stories and hard data gave them a clear picture of why ghosting happens, how it affects people, and what we can learn from it.
In short, they didn’t just study ghosting—they really decoded it. Now, let’s look into their findings!
Why do people even ghost in the first place?
There are multiple reasons why people resort to ghosting on mobile dating apps.
From the perspective of the ghosters (the ones who ghosted), it might have been that your personality wasn’t up to snuff, you came off as weird while texting, or perhaps you were just plain obnoxious. Maybe your physical appearance played a role—those filtered selfies on your profile could have set expectations you didn’t quite meet. Or perhaps the date itself was lukewarm at best. We also shouldn’t forget the possibility that your end goals didn’t align: maybe you were looking for a serious relationship while they just wanted something casual.
But don’t take it all personally—some ghosters actually blamed themselves. A portion confessed to feeling emotionally unprepared or afraid of not meeting your expectations. Others might have found a new flame and simply forgotten about you. Then there are those who ghosted to preserve a sense of control, feeling they didn’t owe you an explanation.
Ironically, a small number of ghosters said they ghosted to avoid the discomfort of verbally rejecting you, believing this would spare your feelings. I’m sure you can appreciate the effort.
Now, let’s turn the tables. Let’s look at you for a moment—or, more precisely, at people like you: the ghostees. What did ghostees believe was the reason for you being ghosted? According to your fellow ghostees, it’s not your fault. They believed the ghoster’s own issues—like disinterest, a fear of commitment, or even already dating someone else—might have led to the sudden disappearance. But even among ghostees, some pointed the finger inward, saying they felt they just weren’t good enough.
Still, let’s not kid ourselves—these apps make it incredibly easy to leave someone on “read.” Both ghosters and ghostees seem to agree on that.
What are the consequences of ghosting, and how do ghostees cope?
As anyone who has experienced ghosting can attest, the consequences often included sadness, anger, disillusionment, or shame. Interestingly, some participants reported feeling relieved, realizing that the other person was not a suitable match. Unfortunately, others suffered long-term effects on their mental health, such as lowered self-esteem or even depression.
To cope with being ghosted, some participants deleted the mobile dating app or sought comfort by talking to their friends. A few attempted to get in touch with the ghoster through social media in their pursuit of closure. However, many tried to rationalize it–trying to make sense of what had happened.
Does frequent use of mobile dating apps increase the likelihood of ghosting others?
No. The analysis actually showed the opposite: the higher the usage of mobile dating apps, the lower the odds of ghosting others. At first, the myriad of dating opportunities on these apps can feel overwhelming. One exciting person after another appears, while countless others who don’t spark your interest bombard you with “Hi” or “Wassup.” Let’s be honest—most of us would struggle with that and might ghost one, two, or maybe even ten people in the process. But over time, users tend to become more selective with their choices, leading to fewer instances of ghosting.
What can we learn from this study?
After diving into the fascinating results of the study, one big question remains: What can you, as a possible dating app user, take away from all this?
Ghosting happens because it’s easy. Dating apps make it simple to disappear, and ghosters often avoid confrontation or think it’s kinder to vanish than to reject someone outright. But for ghostees, the impact is real—especially when the ghosting is unexpected or after a meaningful connection. Sadness, anger, and self-doubt are common reactions.
People cope differently. Some rationalize it as part of dating, while others seek closure or even delete their dating apps altogether. Surprisingly, frequent app users are less likely to ghost, suggesting experience leads to more considerate behavior.
The takeaway? Ghosting may seem convenient, but it leaves emotional scars. A little honesty and empathy could make online dating a kinder place.
References:
Timmermans, E., Hermans, A., & Opree, S. J. (2020). Gone with the wind: Exploring mobile daters’ ghosting experiences. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(2), 783–801. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520970287